It’s been a little over 25 hours since I last ate, but that’s not enough. That number feels minuscule. I need to keep going. I can’t eat again, not when I’ve been such a failure recently. 

I cut on my wrist, rather than my thigh, for the first time in almost a year. Bad decision. Looks like I’m back to actually putting effort into covering up.

Cutting on fresh skin definitely hurts more than going back over scarred flesh.

When I think of sadness, I think of you abandoning me for college. I think of you forgetting my face and my name and all the stories I’ve told you. Because, while you are my moon, I’m only a star in your sky. I’m not a part of any constellation, I don’t point north and I can’t call you home. Because, let’s face it, your home lies with someone else. Not with me. I think of how I felt when you held me in your arms. I think of the lingering scent of cigarette smoke in the air of that humid day. I think of your smile and how your eyes tell me it’s lying.  You’re always lying, you’re always sad and exhausted and overwhelmed.

When I think of happiness, I see what you have with him, and I wish I could have something like that too. I wish I could be the one bringing you bliss. I wish I could be the reason for your only honest smiles and your loveliest laughs, but I can’t.

When I think of envy, I think of him because he has all I’ve ever wanted. He has you.

I’m so pathetic. I just crammed my mouth with cheetos and now I’m making ramen so I can stuff myself even more. Someone tell me to stop. I don’t deserve to eat.

My hands are shaking like crazy and I don’t know why, it’s only been 5 hours since I last ate and I haven’t taken any pills today…. wtf.

I’m not even a good friend, this is killing me. What did I do wrong? I feel like this is my fault, that I could’ve protected you from this. I’m just glad you said ‘scars’ and not ‘cuts’, I pray you don’t hurt yourself anymore. I prey you’re better. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from that. I should have known. I’m so sorry.

My best friend never even told me that she cut, but she posted it on her public tumblr that jackasses from our school follow her on…. How could she have not told me? I told her about at least a few of my scars and I told her I’m here for her because I am. She’s a huge aspect in my life. But now apparently she can’t even trust me. Am I really so worthless that my best friend doesn’t even want to confide in me. She was one of my reasons, my main reason, for going on because I thought she actually cared about me and trusted me enough to be honest with me. But now I’ve lost that. Someone remind me why I still exist if no one needs or wants me.

About a million to go. I feel so terrible after yesterday and I just can’t let myself eat. I don’t deserve it at all. I fucked up, I deserve this punishment. I deserve to suffer.